Mar 22, 2024
Welcome to the fight, like your mother podcast. I'm so glad that you are here. I am sharing an episode today that I have been thinking about doing for a really long time. And I haven't done it because I wanted a therapist. Slash expert who knows a lot about this to come on and talk about it because I haven't felt qualified to do so. However lately it won't leave my brain.
And I've asked several therapists who said they don't feel qualified to come on and talk about it. So if they don't feel qualified, then.
I can do my own research and figure this out. So I know that I need to record this. Now, and it's interesting because I posted a instagram posts about this very topic and that eight Han of responses about it. And people who've wanted to learn more and have never heard about this. Or who have heard about it, but didn't know much about it.
So it is time now. Perhaps if I find the right person, , I will have another therapist and we'll do another episode on this particular topic, , to give some insights and things that I don't share. But I do have some valuable experience. And personal. Deeply personal things about this particular topic.
And I feel like it may be really valuable for lots of families, including my own actually.
So the topic I'm discussing today is about the siblings. Of kids with extra intense needs. , This can happen with physical health challenges. Mental health challenges. Kids with autism. There's a myriad of reasons why. , this. Particular thing can happen. It can actually even happen in like children of divorce. , and things like that.
So this applies to lots of families out there. , but let's, we're going to talk about it in regards to the sibling of.
The sibling of somebody who has intense mental health challenges. That's what we're, our focus is going to be today. But these principles apply to so many. So how does this in particular affect these kids? How do they feel about it? , are they overlooked? Do they have a voice, et cetera? And each of these questions are really valuable and important to think about as parents.
But I also don't want this to overwhelm you or shut you down as you're listening. And I don't want you to feel guilt or shame about this, that isn't the goal here. I don't want to give you more. To put on, you're already over loaded, overwhelmed to do list. And I certainly don't want to give you more to worry about. So in fact, I want you, as you go throughout listening to this episode, I want you to really, really be aware and notice your feelings that you're having.
Notice what pops up in your brain and how your body feels. And just notice those things. Don't judge yourself. And if you're noticing some hard emotions coming up, maybe take a break. Do some breathing. Take care of yourself. Nurture yourself. And then turn it on again. Don't stop listening because you're feeling negative emotions because sometimes we need to sit in the discomfort.
There's a sign there. I'm going to bed. Okay. Good night.
In fact, during this episode, I want you to notice your feelings about what's coming up. Notice what pops up in your brain, how your body's feeling. And just notice, just be aware and don't judge yourself. If you're feeling a lot of discomfort.
That actually is okay. And if you need to take a break for a few minutes, Go do some breathing. Go nurture yourself. Go do that, but come back because discomfort doesn't mean we just stop. We can sit and deal with those uncomfortable feelings. And we can continue on. So the objective of my episode. Today is to bring voices and awareness to these kids.
Our kids. Who matter? And their feelings and their traa. And their voices matter. And I know you believe that because you are an awesome parent. You really are amazing. And you're overwhelmed and you're overworked and you don't have enough support.
But these kids deserve to be heard and validated and supported.
So did you know that there's actually a term. For the siblings of, uh, Extra needs special needs child. It's called a glass child. Some people call it an invisible child, but we're going to use the term glass child. And now it's not because they're fragile. In fact that are often viewed as extremely strong, extremely independent, extremely self-reliant. They're called the glass child because they often feel like they are see-through and invisible. To their parents and others. In fact. Today I heard of an experience where a mom went out to lunch with one of her kids.
This mom has an extra needs child. And the mom's friend and the mom's friend spent the whole time talking about the special needs child. And telling the other sibling how lucky they were to have her. And they were learning so much.
That child was see-through in that moment. That lunch needs to be about that particular child, not the special needs child. , these kids are often. Too strong. To responsible have to grow up too fast. And they are too good because they don't want to put any more burden on their parents because they see how overworked and overwhelmed their parents are. So last child syndrome, isn't a medical condition or even an official diagnosis. It's just a term often used to describe these unique challenges and strengths of the siblings of children with chronic illnesses. Disabilities mental illness, et cetera.
Glass children or siblings, they might this. Brother or sister of theirs might be. , Have different abilities. Has a serious physical or mental illness. And their behavior and their care. Takes a disproportionate amount of parental time, any emotion it takes away from the parents' ability to provide the necessary things for. The sibling. They tend to get emotionally neglected.
They often strive to be perfect. And problem-free because they're super sensitive to the needs of their sibling. And actually that sensitivity. And compassion. Is a strength that they will get from this experience in their life. And we're going to talk about the strengths later, but I just wanted to point that out. They often have to take on additional responsibility before they're mature enough to do it. Or they feel like they need to be perfect all the time to not cause more problems.
And so they become perfectionist, hypervigilant, et cetera.
, they often don't want to be as strong as they seem and often aren't that strong, but they put on kind of a strong face for their family.
They can be transparent to lots of people, including their parents, grandparents, teachers. Friends, et cetera. And a 2010 Ted talk speaker, Alicia arena, who was a glass child, herself due to a sibling with autism. Drew attention to this phenomenon that resonated with many. She said glass children take on these caretaker responsibilities, and naturally we are conditioned to not have problems.
We are supposed to be perfect. When someone asks us how we are doing the answer is always, I'm doing just fine. She said we're called glass show. Not because we're weak. But because sometimes we feel like people look straight through us as if we're made of glass. She continues. I didn't even know it was okay.
Not to be. Okay. You cannot take for granted the emotional health of your children. Every emotion that you feel. Whether it's pain. Or grief or anger, frustration, fear. Concern crisis of faith. If you are experiencing all of these as an adult, because of your special needs children. Your other children are feeling all of that too, but they have the coping skills of a child, not F an adult. So when you ask your healthy child, are you okay?
And they say, yes, mommy, I'm fine. Don't believe them. They are not fine. How can they be fine if they are experiencing what you are experiencing? And they are a child. So I think that's a really important perspective to have, they are seeing all the things you're seeing. They're experiencing all the things that you are experiencing. And imagine how hard it is for you as a grown person. It was a fully functioning brain. And yet they have the coping abilities as of a child. And so we often say, oh, kids are so resilient. They'll be fine.
Let's help them be resilient. By giving them the support that they need. So this issue is actually deeply personal to me. Because my husband was a glass child. , he didn't want to come on and talk about this personally, but he gave me permission to share a little bit about his experience. He grew up just 16 months younger than his older brother who had a significant congenital heart defect. From birth. Had multiple open-heart surgeries had multiple scares with death throughout. His lifetime. And my husband was a little brother, just a few months younger. His brother needed lots of support and medical attention. Through no fault of his own and he deserved and needed to get that right. I'm not discounting that he needed to get what he deserved.
And so did my husband. And he was often overlooked and, , was for sure a glass child. His parents are wonderful and did the very best that they could. But he grew up needing to be way more independent, not cause problems. , To be really self-reliant and resourceful. But little David. David is my husband. And even sometimes big David. Often felt or feels invisible on light glass. And he deserved. To have his needs met and have his voice heard. So that's why I'm sharing that now is because his story. As part of this family. And being that.
Little bit younger brother. His story also deserves to be heard.
So he has a very unique perspective on this with our own children. We have talked about this much in our own home. He is hyper aware of how our children are feeling. And to make sure that they are supported and loved and validated that we show up for them. Et cetera. So I asked him what advice he would give.
And he said, Show up for your kids and be excited to be wherever they are.
, second is have your kit just be aware, is have you assigned your kids a role in the family? Not of their choosing. Like have they been assigned to be the caretaker, the dependable one? The right. Just one, the companion to their sibling. , the. One who never, they never have to worry about schoolwork or church or. , sports, they they're responsible for getting themselves. Everywhere.
They're supposed to be. And are you giving them more responsibility than they should be given at that particular age? And third, as he said, make sure that you are not taking them for granted that they are fine, that they don't have needs. , Make sure that they know how grateful you are for them. And that you are doing your best to meet their emotional needs and wants.
So the extra needs in our home are not physical health, like a heart condition. But they are mental health, but really they're not all that different.
The toll it takes on parents. Mentally emotionally and physically is super draining. And I completely validate that. I think all of us are doing our best. And we are exhausted. Because our minds are constantly racing. With what we can do for this child, who's struggling. Are they going to be okay? Are they safe? They take up much of the space in our brain. And often we're so grateful for these kids who seem to be doing just fine. Because we don't have the energy to really check in with them.
Okay. Again, I want you to check in with yourself. And excuse my coughing. I've been dealing with a cough for over a month, but. Here we go. Check in with yourself now. Where are your thoughts going? If they are going to shame and guilt, ask yourself why sit with it for a minute. Are you feeling blamed for this? Circstance that your family is in.
Are you feeling like you have to fix this? Are you feeling like. I'm not doing enough. I'm not enough, et cetera. Count. You have to think about that. Maybe writes the thing, the feelings down, the thoughts down in your, in a journal or something. And I want you to ask yourself why you're feeling those wet that way.
Did you create these circstances? Did you. Did yo , Want a child with extras needs.
This is not your fault because this is due to circstances beyond your own control. And I promise you that healing can happen for both you and your kids. Please keep listening because I am going to talk now about some things that we can do. Uh, to help our kids feel validated and heard and supported. Okay. First of all though. Are you. Feeling validated. Supported. And heard. If you're not, I want you to think about how you can access. That kind of support for yourself. Maybe it's a spouse that you can talk to. Maybe it's a best friend. Maybe it is. A parenting coach.
I know have a good one. Maybe it's a therapist. But you deserve that validation and support. Maybe it's writing in your journal, some of your struggles. And thinking about it and supporting yourself. I want you to find a way for it to be validated and supported and seen yourself. So that you can do this better for your kids. So here's some ideas of some things we can do. Here's a really powerful experience.
I had several years ago, listening to a podcast with Dr. Julie Hanks. She did a live coaching session with a good friend of mine. Courtney brown. Courtney was talking to Julie about her children. Courtney has some kids with some extra needs. And she was talking about how to support her other kids through this experience. And Julie says something really powerful to Courtney that I've never forgotten. She said your kids need to have a voice about this. Give them the permission to talk about it. To have their feelings to vent. Even if they are hard to hear and unpleasant and uncomfortable. Open up the conversation by saying something like. How is it to have a sibling who needs a lot of extra attention?
How does it feel to you? Let them vent their feelings. Listen. Way, way more than you talk. Then ask them how you can better support them.
That completely changed me. Because it opened me up to communicating more openly with my own kids. I needed to deal with some of my own prep, so I could become a safe space so that they knew that they could talk to me about it. Without me getting weird and defensive and telling them, they said, shouldn't say certain things or feel certain things. Their feelings. Every single one is valid.
I knew that the worst thing I could say would be to tell them that they were wrong for feeling that or bad for saying something about their sibling. Saying things like, well, you shouldn't say that about your sibling. Or telling them that they just need to be positive and love their sibling more by shoving down their feelings.
That's not what I wanted for my kids. So we also have to be really careful that if they say things about us, Not giving them enough attention.
That we don't get defensive.
It's hard to do. It's hard to not get defensive because we really are doing our best. But we also need to listen to them.
And. We don't want to play the victim. Because our kids don't need that burden. They don't need us to say, but I'm just doing my best.
Because our best doesn't feel like best for them.
So we don't need to just tell them that they just need to be grateful that we do so much for them that. They're being entitled or anything like that because they're not. This isn't about us. It doesn't mean we aren't a great parent. It means our kids are hurting because we are hurting. Remember, they're kids dealing with this really hard situation. So us starting out to notice. To listen. To take again, an ability and apologize to them for how we've heard them or we haven't given them enough. Love listening attention, et cetera.
Asking them how we can do better. It can be really empowering to them. It gives them a voice. It opens them up to believing that we care about what they are saying and feeling and needing.
It gives us a glimpse into how we can do better.
I want to talk about. What if our kids come to us and say, It's not fair. That my sibling gets all the attention or they have to do less around the house. Or they get treats when they go to the hospital or they go to therapy or on and on and off. Right. You know what. The best thing we can say to them. You know what you are, so right.
This isn't fair. It doesn't feel fair to anybody. I am so sorry that you are feeling that. It's actually true. It's not fair. It's not fair to them. It's not fair to you. It's not fair to the child who has. The extra needs. None of it feels fair. And it's valid. So then again, ask them what they need from you. How can I help you feel? More supported. And honestly, if you have little kids, They're not going to be able to articulate these things. So notice where there. Attention. Is notice things that they love to do, notice what they want to do with you. And then give them that edit, added attention and time.
I had a question from someone in my Instagram community that said one of their kids is really mean to them child with special needs. And could this be why? And I don't have a lot of information on this. So I'm just going from that very small piece of information that I have. It's very possible that that is why. That to me, screams that they need attention and connection with you as a parent. And they will get that. No matter how it happens because negative attention is better than no attention. So look at the behavior as a message to you. They need you.
They need your connection, your presence in their life.
So. This doesn't have to be long hours and hours of time with our kids. Often. They just want 10 minutes with mom when they're going to bed and read a special story and have a little laughter and fun and play. Maybe they get a special time during the day where they get you to themselves. When this older sibling is at school or asleep or something.
Let's think about this. What if meeting your other kids needs, wasn't another drain on you.
What if it could fill you with joy?
What if, because you were new, that you were meeting. And it really intense need and want of your child, that it fills you with joy. And wasn't just another thing on your to-do list. What, if you could do things that bring you both intense joy.
What, if you could teach them something that you love to do, or you spend time doing something that you loved as a kid.
What if doing things with there with your other kids gave you the break that you so desperately needed. You arranged care. For. All the other hans in the home who needed care. And you go out with your kids and you play Pokemon go, or you go geocashing or you go for a walk or you go to the dog park with your dog or. Anything.
They are, they've earned a special. , treat with you. Actually, they don't need to earn the special treat with you. You go get a special treat with them and sit and talk to them. Guess what they have earned, all the things they need to earn. Because of what they're doing. Because they're alive.
What if this was part of your own self care? You put on the calendar every month. A special opportunity with each child.
And you can look forward to all month and sell. Can, may they know that on March 27th? They get to go with mom to get ice cream or a milkshake. Or. All those other things that I suggested.
When we change our mindset about things, it changes our world. So if we can change our mindset that filling the needs of our other kids, Is part of our self care. Is something we can look forward to. It can be a break. It can change everything.
So these can be simple things. I've already said some of the simple things. But. Let him stay up 15 minutes later to have time with you. Going on a walk, just the two of you. Even having insight, jokes, sharing, funny memes, having. , special interests that you enjoy together. , my youngest son is a huge Kansas city chiefs fan. And loves the podcast of Travis. Jason Kelsey. And so we listened to it together every week. And it's a special time that the two of us share. And we laugh and we pause it and we talk about it. That's kind of his time with me. And it has been so fun.
It helps that I really enjoy football as well. And like the Kelsey brothers a lot. But for me, that's as enjoyable spending time doing that with him as anything else I do during the week.
Bringing them in their favorite tree, thinking of them. Acknowledging them. How amazing are they that they are such an important part of your family? And acknowledging all the wonderful things that they do and lots of things that don't have anything to do with their sibling with special needs. Seeing them. Letting them know they are seen and so valuable and important in your home. We have provided opportunities for our kids to get support and therapy so that they have somewhere to talk about it. They struggle with. The traa too. So someone who can focus on just them to give them the validation and tools, they need to work through their complicated emotions.
Our kids deserve this help and extra support.
They may not open up completely to you as a parent, because they're worried about. , what to say? And if it's okay for them to say those things to you. But they might just open up to a therapist and I know therapy can often be super expensive. And inaccessible. Maybe there's an adult in their life who they really love. A grandparent, an aunt or uncle. A neighbor, a church leader. Maybe you need to give them permission to say, Hey, if you ever want to talk about your experience being the sibling to. So-and-so. No, that you can talk to. These trusted adults that you love. You can talk to your friends about this, giving them permission that this is their story to tell, and they deserve to tell it. So I just recently this week found out about a sibling support group. That is across the country and nearly every state. And is a nonprofit organization.
I believe the support groups are free.
I don't know, a hundred percent, but I believe they're free. It is called the sibling support project. And it is a nonprofit. That sole purpose is to support siblings of kids with special needs. , I'll put the website in the show notes and you can search to see if you have one in your area. They do a lot of virtual stuff too.
So maybe you could, if you don't have one in your area, maybe you could join in on a zoom call or something. Apparently not all of the groups have mental illness listed as one of the special needs that they support. But you can always ask and advocate. For your kids to be a part of that kind of group. I think this could be a really powerful way for kids to feel supported. Because they're with peers who get it. And maybe they can open up to the people in that group.
Again, look for the link in the show notes to find that. , also, I think we need to include our children. In conversations and provide them with information that is age appropriate for them. , they don't need to know all the details of our kids' circstances. But I have found that when we talk openly about diagnoses and the symptoms of the. The diagnoses. And help them understand it helps them feel more compassion for their sibling.
It also helps them understand and realize, Hey, this is tough. I'm not crazy.
, Talk to them about taking care of themselves. They need to know how to take care of themselves and practice self care as well. Teach them how to set boundaries. Sometimes that is really so important. For. Excuse me. For these kids, they need to learn how to set boundaries and that it's not unkind. And that they can hold them and you may have to be the one who helps them hold those boundaries. Until they get older and older and older and are able to do that themselves. Empower them to speak up and ask for what they need and want. Let them know.
I don't always see everything that you need and want. I wish I did, but I don't. So if you are feeling like you need something or want something from me, would you please feel free to come talk to me about it? I want to hear all of the things.
Give them permission to speak up. So, but that means you have to be able to do those things too, right? Taking care of you as vital, which I know feels just like something else on your to-do list and it feels impossible. But if you want your kids to be able to set boundaries, learn how to take care of themselves. Speak up, have their voice heard. You need to be able to do that yourself.
So even in the smallest and simplest ways take care of yourself, like the basics, like showering. Sleeping. Well, Feeding your body healthy food, taking care of your physical health, moving your body. Even if it's a 10 minute walk or stretch.
I know that gratitude for me is huge. Being able to write down what I'm grateful for, even if it's the breath in my lungs, which sometimes that is as basic as it gets. Helps me just shift my perspective a lot. I want to share a quote from Emily Hall, who is the director of the sibling support project that we talked about just a minute ago. She says siblings experienced disability, just like everyone else in the family. Having open communication and being honest that often these kids are very aware of the needs of their sibling and by not sharing information and children may think a topic is off limits when, where they really need to talk about it. So when we are opening up those conversations, it is so vital for our kids. Another thing I thought about that I love to do with my teen daughter is a back and forth journal where they can express their feelings.
Often sitting and talking face to face is too. Intimidating for them. It feels like they can't open up because we're staring right at them. But writing it down feels less intrusive. Also the cars are really great place to have conversations with kids because you're not staring at each other. It's easier for them to talk when it's not face-to-face. , So the car can be a really great place, but don't always make the car about that conversation.
Sometimes the carpet can be a fun place to just listen to each other's music to sing out loud. To laugh. They need that as well. They don't always need you. Checking in on them. Are you okay? Are you okay? Can I do anything? Like they don't need that all the time. Most of the time, they just want you to be. A normal parent.
So I would love to hear any other thoughts that you might have as you listened to this.
, these are some of my ideas. If you have other thoughts, I would love you to come to Instagram and share them with all of us. I also want to share that this isn't all doom and gloom for the, our kids, right? This is a difficult circstance. All of us have hard things in life.
And. Let's talk about some of the glimmers that come from being the sibling of a child with special needs. They learn compassion and empathy in droves. They understand people who are different. Often they are more welcoming and understanding of those people who are different. Those skills of independence and self-reliance will actually serve them well.
You know, all of us have these difficult circstances and we can all learn valuable lessons from them. However, we don't want to put that on kids that. Well, you, the things you are learning from this experience are going to be so valuable to you in the future. Because that doesn't really help a kid. They can barely look past their nose, let alone see 10 years into the future when this will be. Of benefit to them. So the key here. Is that we walk alongside them in this journey and we don't leave them in the wilderness to fend for themselves. That healing begins with acknowledgement and communication. It begins with S taking accountability and apologizing.
If we know. That I've kind of left them to themselves in that wilderness. Then by all means open up that conversation. Hey. You know what. I know it can be really hard to be. Uh, sibling of. Whoever their sibling is. Because it takes up a lot of mom and dad's time and energy. And I think maybe in the past, I haven't been as attentive as I could have been to you. And I want to do better. And so I would love you to think of some ways that we can spend more time together because I want to.
No, what you're thinking.
And I want you to know, you can say anything to me. And we can have a conversation about this. And then you kind of need to drop it and not push it too much because you've laid at the groundwork. But they're going to kind of see if they re you really. Can be trusted with what you said. So give it time. Show them with actions. Start bringing their favorite treat home.
Start with the small little things.
It begins with noticing them. And seeing them. And being taught, telling them that they are amazing and they deserve to be told that. Notice the specific things that they do that you love.
Share their best characteristics with them.
This can be as the small, simple things that we start with. And it can grow into this. Amazing healing journey. So I want you to notice how you're feeling now. I hope that, you know, you can let go of the guilt and shame. Somebody on Instagram that they felt nauseous by thinking about this. I want you to please work on letting go. Let go of that.
You're not responsible. For creating this, this is just what happens in families. But now we know better. Hopefully we can do better.
Start with one thing. That I've shared here. You've got this, I believe in you. You are amazing.
Thank you for joining me. And I. Hope that we can have some conversations about this over on Instagram, go join my Instagram community. It's just my name, Cheryl Cardall. And we have some really great conversations and sharing things over there. So I would love you to join me. There. If you feel like you need some more support as a family. As a parent, as a mom. I do offer one-on-one coaching. And would love to support you in your journey. Contact me at my email.
Hello at flight. Another podcast.com or you can DM me on Instagram and we can set something up. I offer a free discovery call. A 30 minute call. For all of my coaching clients. So. Check in, check it out, see how it feels to chat with somebody about this. I promise I get it. And I promise there's nothing you can say. That will shock me. I promise you that I get it.
And.
I will. Validate and support you. So you are worth it. You are worth investing in and you are worth healing. Have a great day.