Jan 3, 2024
The last time I chatted on this podcast was in April last year. I chatted with two dear friends who I was planning a conference with. We chatted about our lived experiences of having mental health challenges in our family and how much we needed support and couldn’t find it. That was the kick off to sharing about our in person Fight like a Mother mental health conference in September.
I fully intended to continue regular podcasts and follow up about the conference etc…and it obviously did not happen. Planning that conference was one of the bright spots of my 2023. I am so proud of that conference and what we were able to provide for our attendees. Resources, support and community.
I won’t share nitty gritty details of my 2023 because much of it is others stories to share but their stories and struggles did affect me and have become part of my story too.
I shared a post on instagram yesterday of a photo of a women who is sitting down fully veiled. YOu cannot see the woman, she is completely covered. When I saw this photo it literally took my breath away and brought tears to my eyes, because I was this woman. Much of my year I felt veiled and shrouded in the dark. It was hard to get out of bed, it was impossible to clean my house, it was a struggle to feed my family. My mental and physical health were greatly affected. I withdrew from most people. And yet I am seeing a therapist regularly, I started medication but nothing seemed to be able to get through the dark veil of depression.
I could not figure out what was happening, for a long time I didn’t try to figure it out because it was too much work and took too much energy to do so. I didn’t have the bandwidth. The year wasn’t actually all that terrible, it was the first year in a while where we hadn’t had suicidal ideation or attempts from our kids but we were dealing with some other heavy things.
One day I was listenting to a podcast about trauma and grief and it hit me. I had not dealt with the layers of trauma that had been building up for years. Not only had my dad died the year before and I’m not sure I had processed that but also I had not acknowledged the living grief that comes from lost expectations plan and life completely turning upside down and not looking ANYTHING like I had ever hoped or planned or prayed for. That grief is real and feels constant.
I had the tools in my toolbelt, I knew what could help, I knew going for walks and getting into nature would help. I knew eating healthier and journaling and all the things would be helpful…and yet I just couldn’t. The energy required was not there, the pull of my bed and my weighted blanket seemed to be the only reprieve and safe space I could inhabit. Things that never felt unsafe or uncomfortable before felt terrifying. Relationships that I have had for much of my life felt too hard and risky. I couldn’t share the darkness, what would they think of me? I couldn’t do small talk, that felt disingenuous and inauthentic.
I really felt like a shell of myself.
Until….a couple of months ago. I felt a spark, to be honest I’m not sure what even prompted it. But I felt a spark of being myself. I felt a spark of energy, of hope, of light. I told my therapist I’m feeling lighter and I’m ready to do the hard work to peel the layers and layers of trauma and grief. I wasn’t in a space to do so before.
I grasped onto that spark. As I have done so, I have seen and felt more and more sparks of light permeating that shroud. I have seen Cheryl again in moments and felt great relief. The darkness is still there I’m not gonna lie, but the light is getting stronger and more consistent.
I’ll be really honest that sometimes I just wanted to stay in the dark, in my bed, shut myself off from the world. It seemed easier than doing the work, but it wasn’t easy being in that space either. So I guess we get to choose our hard either way.
This year I chose a phrase to focus on of radical acceptance of myself, my circumstances, what I can control etc.and also radical alignment with who I am, with my core values, what will benefit my mental health. Besides the daily things that have to be done like dishes, fixing meals, exercise cleaning etc which I don’t love but they do align with my core values of caring for myself and my family if it doesn’t align or make me feel more like me, it’s gone. One silly example? Uncomfortable clothing? GONE, Clothing that doesn’t feel like me? GONE! I no longer dress how others think I should, I dress for me to feel good and feel more like myself.
One thing that has brought me tons of light that is filling the cracks is celebrating the small stuff. I went for a mile walk in the sunshine? GO ME! I chose to drink water instead of diet coke? GO ME!
Celebrating the small wins, motivates me to continue to push along and continue to do the things that bring the spark.
At our in person conference we rented a large gong and set it up and asked people to share their wins on post it notes and post them on the window behind the gong and then they sounded the gong after the posted their wins. Sometimes when you are living with mental illness in yourself or your family the wins look very different. They were incredibly touching. Things like, my daughter now cares about her hygiene and takes showers daily. I don’t want to die any more.
Now I want to share with you something so fun that I did with my Instagram community this last week for the new year. I asked them for their wins for 2023, I wanted them to acknowledge their sparks and “sound the gong”. I want to share some of them with you. Maybe their celebrations will help you see the wins in your own life and help you see the spark that can permeate any darkness you may have in your life.
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